To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
