I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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