He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
