You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
