I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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