You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
