Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
