T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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