Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hippo gnu deer
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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