walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
