After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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