i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well I just put wine in my tea
me + whiskey = a bad person
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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