if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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