two words: eviction party
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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