Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
