he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
