i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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