So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
