well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
