When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
