I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
