I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
