Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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