Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
