Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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