At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
