He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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