i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
