Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You smell like stripper and shame
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
