Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
