Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
