Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
