I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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