omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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