he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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