they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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