so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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