She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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