HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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