I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
