Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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