I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
