if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
