my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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