I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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