I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
