she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
