remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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