If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
