I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
