I looked at my own cervix.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
