I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
