it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
