Michael Bay diarrhea
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
