Got a toothbrush?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
