apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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