I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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