I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
