smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
