So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
