I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
